Thursday, January 7, 2010

Mother's Little Helper

It's not everyday that you compare yourself to Brooke Shields. Now, granted I am the fatter, slightly less bushy-eyebrowed, a lot less famous actress version but when it comes to battling (post-partum) depression I'm right up there alongside her.

Now, it's an ongoing battle and I've been at war for a number of years. However, it is only in the past year since becoming a mother that I have taken the fight a lot more seriously.
You see there was something almost bohemian about being an actress in New York city that battled depression. You say crazy, I say genius. I could write tortured entries in my battered journal whilst sipping dollar coffee from the street carts. I was brilliant but misunderstood. I could lie for days unable to get out of bed, only able to text or email people to make excuses for my inability to appear at scheduled functions, work, auditions. I would let time slip away and a mantra would run through my head telling me that I would be 'better off gone'. I would eventually come out of it, rejoin the real world, and wait in fear for the next time.

When you are a mother, you don't get to hit the self destruct button. You have to function. After giving birth, I was dizzy with joy. In fact, I think they must have slipped something into my IV because as my doctor was stitching me I was telling Tom that I couldn't wait to have another baby...but after a few weeks the familiar anxiety and fear crept in. I knew that I couldn't wait for the inevitable to cripple me. I couldn't wallow. Because I wouldn't be 'better off gone' - I now had a role and a purpose in this world.

Of course, that's easy for me to say when I am healthy or not in the throngs of an attack but when it happens for the first time or comes out of nowhere it can be very difficult to accept that you have an illness to fight and you are not crazy. For friends and family around you it can be hard for them to understand that it is not 'just the baby blues', you are not 'just tired', 'not lazy', and not 'having a bad day'. Yes, we all have days that we don't want to get out of bed but our difference is we can't. We are paralyzed by our sadness, our fear, our anger and anxiety and utterly overwhelmed and confused as to what caused it. Living in the depths of depression is to experience a hell on earth. It's irrational, unexpected and unexplained. Often we know we have no reason to feel this way. This only makes us feel worse.

I had two friends this week share with me their struggle with depression and with an almost painfully embarrassed admission that they had gone on medication. They were terribly ashamed, which in turn made me terribly sad. Now, not 'depressed sad', just 'sad sad'. Still with me?

I'm not going to spout on about how depression is like having a cold and just like having a cold you take medicine - I don't know nor do I pretend to understand the best course of action, be it medication, prayer, vitamins or exercise. However, I will tell you that gobbling a lot of St. John's Wort didn't help so much...thank you anyway for that suggestion Tom Cruise.

I have taken medication off and on for a number of years. Don't feel sorry for me. This is not a cry for help. I promise you that I am not wearing a mask of happiness silently singing "Send In The Clowns". People that have this disease are not miseries (at least not all of the time), unless of course they are just plain old miserable people in the first place. We are still the fun loving people you once thought we were. We are just like nurses, lawyers and perverts - we could live next door to you and you wouldn't necessarily know it.

I'm not advocating anything here nor am I preaching to the choir. I know that depression was once so taboo that mention a peep and they'll have you tied to a gurney getting electric shock treatment faster than you can sign up for Scientology. I don't think it is as much taboo now as it is misunderstood. Our parents generation was told to 'get on with it' and if you opened a dialogue with them about it now, they might tell you to cheer up and count your blessings. They might also reveal that they too have struggled for years.

I am not an expert but I am more than prepared to say that this is my illness, my disease in life and when I take care of myself, I live a happy and optimal existence. I function. And as a mother and a wife I need to. I am neither proud nor ashamed. I am however, medicated and happy.

Finally, I wanted to share a letter that the brilliant actor/writer/comedian Stephen Fry had written to a woman in response to a letter that she had sent him about depression. I find his words honest and refreshing. In turn I am forced to laugh at my recent move to the pacific northwest...roll on summer... ;)


  1. Yet again, another fabulous blog about life in the real world. Absolutely beautiful how you take complex issues and break them down to seem "tangible" for everyone.

  2. I did enjoy that letter from Stephen Fry. Beautifully written. Great post. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Oh just wrote my life! My depression worsened after my first daughter was born, 16 years ago. The doc said my post-partum 'never went away'. I've tried every medication known to man. Currently, I am off all meds (due to 3 meds I was taking almost causing me to bleed to death during a minor surgery). I probably need to be on something right now...but I'm not. I'm just here. I live day to day. I live for my children. My son has Autism, so I have no time to feel sad...except at night...when all is quiet. Then I get up in the morning and do it all again. It's a tough road..with no easy answers. I'm just glad that I have a very supportive husband, who doesn't mind doing dishes and laundry for me, when I can't...or won't ;)

    Great post! Very well written :)

  4. I think it's really important to share these stories because woman need to watch out for their mental health at all stages of life, especially after having kids.

  5. Somehow, reading this, I feel less alone.

  6. I think you're incredibly courageous to write so openly on this subject. I've never told my family about my own suffering from depression (they just think I'm moody and maudlin). The weather has been fairly rosy for years but I'm always mindful that one day the rain might come back. I hope I have your courage to share with my family if that ever does happen.

  7. It seems to me that you have a real understanding of this sickness that takes over your life and that must be half of the battle.

    We all have our moments of debilitating depression that can last too long, and I can only imagine what a struggle it must be to deal with it on a longer basis.

    You have a real voice and I think there are a lot of people out there who could use your words of wisdom to know that they are not alone.

    It looks as though you are not on Twitter. I just went over there and searched for post partum depression and there is a ton of information on the subject. Twitter can help you to connect with others who battle with the same symptoms and give you valuable healing information.

    So glad that you are part of The Aspiring Writer's Group on MBC!

  8. I'm so glad you wrote about this. It's more prevalent than people think - and it is real, not some imagined ailment. I really wish there wasn't such a stigma about it. I think you should keep sharing because there are many people out there who can relate.

  9. How brave of you to write this piece. For me it is the hardest to write honestly about problems that are very real in my life. Postpartum depression is a lot more than the "baby blues" and depression in general is very misunderstood. People think that you can just buck up and feel better and that is just not the case. Thank you for writing so sincerely and beautifully about a very real issue for so many of us women out here.

  10. Beautiful piece. I too love your honesty. I think it is incredibly healthy to be able to be open and honest about this sort of thing. I think so many more people have the same issue and don't ever know how to talk about it. In my experience, when you can share the burden with your loved ones it becomes much less scary and dark and heavy. Your posts are always beautiful and real, just like you.

  11. You put into words what so many of us struggle with everyday.

  12. I applaud you for being so honest about your experience! I think that honesty really brings mothers together, at least that's what I hope!

    Stopping by from your blog!

  13. 1) i love you
    2) i miss you
    3) i miss my drugs


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