My dear friend lost her child this week. She was 17 weeks pregnant and already every bit as much of a mother that I aspire to be each day.
I'm not interested in getting into a discussion on when life begins. I will tell you though that for me motherhood began when I started making choices for myself based on my baby. It was when you'd find yourself turning down that glass of wine because you 'never know', when you'd opt for cheddar instead of Gorgonzola 'just because' and when you could actually summon a smile when requesting decaf. It's when old wives tales would have you taking warm showers instead of soaking in hot baths. It's when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, yet you still catch yourself rubbing your bump on the subway. Motherhood is instinctual, it is primal, and no matter how long it lasts, be it 1 week, 17 weeks, 3 years or until the end of your time on earth, it is with you forever.
In the 9 months before the rest of the world meets your baby, you are likely already best friends. You walk together, talk together, you do a lot of peeing and perhaps puking together. And, if it walks like a duck, waddles like a duck...well, it's already a mother.
It almost feels as though the actual 'having a baby' is when the rest of the world is let in on the joy but the private pleasures of motherhood begin way before. Nobody else in the whole world felt my daughter kick the first time. No one. And nothing can ever take that away from me.
It is this realization that makes me feel so strongly in the acknowledgment of the pain that mothers feel when losing their babies early on. Today, my heart is broken for my friend and I can only imagine that her ache is just as real and painful as if I lost my Olive tomorrow. Grief is surely just as much about the loss of what memories you didn’t make, as well as as mourning the ones you remember.
In fact, I felt a bit like I was running an egg and spoon race when I was pregnant, or playing a giant game of Jenga...if that makes any sense. The longer you go, the giddier you get and yet just seeing the finish line didn't hold any guarantees. It was my constant focus. Utterly all consuming.
Today was a reminder of not only what a gift life is but just how cruel it can be. My heart and prayers are full of love and strength to mothers today, no matter where your children are.
Beautiful explanation of motherhood.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I feel invalidated sometimes for my losses, the most recent one being this past summer at almost 15 weeks in a ruptured tubal pregnancy. But it was the loss of MY child to me and one I'm still grieving very deeply.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you for this post.
Your post totally made me cry. I felt the same way. My relationship with my boys began the instant I saw the line on the pee stick and knew they were in there. I loved them more than I could even imagine, though I couldn't see them yet or hold them in my arms. I am so very sorry for your friend. Love and prayers to her.
ReplyDeleteYou described it perfectly Paula! To Motherhood, it is a wonderful thing.We will all be praying for your friends.
ReplyDeleteThat was truly touching! Anyone who has had the privilege of being a mom (whether expecting or already had children)knows how precious and rewarding motherhood can be. My deepest sympathies for your friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Paula, you so beautifully articulate what is very difficult to describe. As I sit here in tears, so sad for the loss that your friend has experienced, I can hear my little boy jostling around in his bed and I am thankful for each moment that the world gets to spend with a boy that I met and fell in love with nine months before his birth.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your friend's loss. I have had an early loss and I know you are attached the moment you pee on the stick. So sad - I still think about my lost angel. I'm thankful everyday for the 3 little miracles I have (hopefully sleeping in bed).
ReplyDeleteAt work (L&D nurse) those losses are so hard on everyone - we watch these poor parents grieve. Every time we cry - we remember those parents just as much if not more than our normal deliveries.
Thank you for sharing.
As much as I hated being pregnant, you're right. It's a bond from the start. No matter what, you are a mother. LOVE the way you right, sister. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteHow do I edit my own comment? WRITE instead of right! GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya, sister!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written and I did shed a tear or two. We lost a baby at 3 months before Evie came along and I don't think anyone has summed this up like you just have. It sounds like a cliche but time really does make it easier athough it never goes away.I think about the one that we lost all the time. Maybe our first baby was there for a reason..no matter how upsetting it is, little Evie would not be here if it wasn't for our first one,it makes me even more grateful that I have a beautiful family x
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Thankfully, I haven't had the pain of going through what your friend and so many of mine have experienced through the loss of a child--even before birth. You are exactly correct though, you're a mother from the moment you become a mother--the second there is a baby inside of you. I've seen some of my best friends' hearts break at losses like these. How hard it must be for your friend, especially after the "all clear" first trimester when you find yourself breathing a little easier. I guess we need to trust that God doesn't make mistakes, and He has a perfect plan for your friend. That baby is now a literal angel and is waiting in heaven for her mama in the presence of God. My prayers go out to her as she endures this difficult loss. Thank you for your post.
ReplyDeleteI don't yet have kids, but I'm beginning to realize that every day now is a quiet preparation for the day that I do, and I know that in part because of my reaction to every single thing you write here. You are a revelation, lovely P. My prayers go out to your friend, and my love to you, for helping me to find my way to motherhood, whenever that moment begins...
ReplyDeleteSpot on! I too lost a baby early on and can vouch for the fact that, no matter how far along you are, that little life is your child and it is just as hard when it is lost. You are so right about grieving for the memories that you didn't make. I think about that often. That was my 2nd pregnancy and I went on to have 2 beautiful boys after that. My daughter was 3 when we lost that baby. She grieved as well, but better than I did. She swore that baby was a girls so she named her Clara and I let her. We count her as a sibling, just like her brothers.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind, but I may use a bit of your post on my blog...this subject has been coming up a lot for me lately and I may blog about it.
Thanks Paula!
My heart goes out to your friend.
ReplyDeleteI have had miscarriages and I mourned all of my unborn babies.Each time it happened, I felt empty and sad for a long time. I also felt like my heart had been forcefully opened and a part of me had died.
Though I have my kids now, I still remember.....
I am so sorry for your friend. My heart ached as I read this. I think all mothers would understand this ache. This was beautifully written and so gentle. I was so protective of my baby at 2 weeks! that I called my Dr in a panic after I was bumped on a train. You are right, Motherhood begins immediately.
ReplyDeleteHello Paula,
ReplyDeleteYou captured so beautifully the connection that we as mother's have with our children when they are in our tummy.
Your descriptive prose had me with you in the subway remembering what it was like to feel my bump and realize that nothing else mattered.
I am so glad that you have joined our Aspiring Writer's Club and a huge warm welcome to you!!
I have truly been there losing a child even unborn is like taking part of your heart and soul away. my prayers are with your friend.
ReplyDeleteBTW following from MBC
My heart goes out to the family. Heartbreaking. No matter when or how. :-(
ReplyDeleteVery sensatively written, losses like that are so hard, it's all your hopes and dreams . . .
ReplyDeleteKristin
That is so sad. I felt the same way carrying our son, like I couldn't be careful enough and always praying for a safe birth. They are such a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your friend. I can't imagine going through that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your friend's loss. My heart goes out to her and all women who have lost a child.
ReplyDelete