Monday, December 14, 2009

You've got to laugh a little, cry a little...

Motherhood is a constant contradiction of emotion. You want a break, you don't want a break. You want daddy to hold her, you don't want her to go to daddy. It pains you when she reaches for you and you have to leave but knowing how much she needs you is a comfort. Being a mum is an emotional assault. Sometimes only a mum will do. Not always for the fun stuff either. Daddy, Daddy, watch me try and walk. Mummy, Mummy, I've fallen and nobody else in the whole world is going to get me to stop crying in two simple seconds.

Today I burst into tears in the middle of Nordstrom on my lunch break. A woman was pushing a stroller and out of nowhere the child began to cry. I was somewhere between picking up a Laboutin and realizing I could never afford a pair when I heard the child. If I was still breastfeeding I think my boobs would have spontaneously combusted and sprayed the store with milk. Instead I just sort of snorted and my throat became thick and tears rolled. No sooner had I started than I was flushed with embarrassment. I gave an overly loud cough and walked out inhaling a cloud of Chanel all the way. I think that's what they call a 'moment'. I was furious walking back to work. With myself. With the world. With the lady and her child. I had effectively thrown my own toys out of my pram and was having a class A pity party.

I don't mean to complain - I know I have it good. Even if I lived in a tent with Tom and Olive and had to watch Scrubs on repeat for the rest of my life - I would still be the luckiest (okay, so maybe not Scrubs, let's say Private Practice), girl in the world. However, sometimes, just sometimes, I want to feel sorry for myself in a very un-mum like way. The verdict is in - being a stay at home mum is far more exhausting than any day job but on an emotional level it's not even in the same realm in terms of difficulty.

And, it's not all bad - I can pee without a baby on my lap. After peeing, I leisurely wash my hands. I may even apply hand lotion before checking my appearance in the mirror. I can hold a hot cup of coffee. As in just hold. Not just pick up, sip and put down. I can actually cradle a cup of coffee. Silver linings, people. Silver linings.

You know what I was reminded of today? That scene in Beaches where Hillary sees CC playing with Victoria on the beach. Now, I'm not dying and my mother in law is not Bette Midler getting to play with my daughter all day. But, all I could hear was that conversation between Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler in the beach house. I needed a CC. I always thought that I was the CC Bloom friend. Turns out that I needed 'that' friend today.

By the time I had walked back to work I was smiling and humming The Glory of Love. I had three hours till I would be home with my girl. Christmas was coming and we would have 4 full days together in a row. Life is good! So, thank you Bette Midler - today (yep you guessed it) you were literally the Wind Beneath My Wings.

(The conversation kicks in at about 7 minutes.)

20 comments:

  1. Your writing is quite beautiful. The way you convey your emotions... touching. I agree with you. Being a mother can be quite a roller coaster ride for your emotions. Unfortunately it doesn't get any better.

    My daughter is 11 and my son is 5. I am still going through it. I struggle everyday, with the work and home balance. I struggle with the "am I doing this right" doubts and the "I need to run away" desires. But at the end of the day, I have to resign myself and know that I am doing the best that I can, and I tell my children how much I love them every chance I get. It should even itself all out in the end. (I hope!) Take a deep breath Mrs B, it will all be okay....

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  2. Blub blub sniffle blub. The emotion in your writing is intense. So with tears rollying down my face. Love to you & your beautiful family. Roll on christmas 4 whole days of cuddle is better that any night out could ever be.Much love x x x

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  3. Even when your children are grown, starting families of their own, you have emotional breakdown moments. The love of a mother never ever goes away. No matter how your life changes either in location or becoming an empty nester, mine was both at the same time, we want time with our children even grown children. There is just a bond that no one can sever.
    Thanks Paula for another moment to reflect motherhood.
    I love you.

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  4. Sweet words from a sweet mom. It's tough, being away from your little ones, isn't it. And it continues being tough even once those little ones are BIG ones and moved out of state. Believe me. But it's those tough minutes, hours, days that make it oh-so wonderful when you're reunited.
    Thank you for sharing. Loved the post!

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  5. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be a mom and a full time worker. But you are amazing- no one would ever know you were struggling. You are the most positive happy person in the office. Olive is a lucky girl.

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  6. You ARE doing an amazing job--just like everyone is saying. It's evident in your heart that you display through your blog. I enjoy reading your posts so much. I left an award for you on my page due to your honesty. Hope you stop by.

    http://adventuresofa1sttimemommy.blogspot.com/

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  7. A beautiful sentimental post - there's something funny about human nature, we just always want to be on the other side of the fence, at least perhaps temporarily. Then we wake up and figure out it's pretty 'green' right where we are. And it could always be worse right! So we keep hanging in there. Hope you have the happiest of holidays. Lots of down time with precious Olivia!

    Kristin

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  8. Wow, Paula just read the latest. How well you put the emotions of a mother, and it feels just the same even at my age. Letting your children fly the nest was so very hard for me, but let them go, you must!It is such a joy to see how high you are soaring. I am so very proud of you.x

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  9. I love this line: "The verdict is in - being a stay at home mum is far more exhausting than any day job but on an emotional level it's not even in the same realm in terms of difficulty."

    Well said. You are pretty much the only blog I follow of someone I have never met before. You are my favorite and I get all giddy and excited when I see you've written something new!

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  10. Where is the 5 month picture taken, downtown PDX?

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  11. Thank you Rebekah! Actually, the 5 month picture is with downtown Brooklyn in the background. You have me laughing at the thought of your horizontal star on your tree. Ours is utterly naked but when the house lights are off and the tree is lit - there is nothing like it! Any hint of Charlie Brown is gone. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

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  12. Thank you Joey! Happy Holidays to you too! Thought of you this last week with all the rain. Did you make it?

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  13. sorry you had such a lousy moment, it happens to us all. I absolutely love Beaches, I think I have it memorized, as well as the soundtrack!

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  14. I agree with you as well. When I am at work, I hate that I don't have enough time with my kids. When I am have more that two days at home with them, I can't wait to get a break.

    Happy holidays!!

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  15. I feel you there. I love being home with my kids, but being home with them also means less money to spend on them. It really is a double edged sword.

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  16. Baby mine, dry your eyes...
    Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine...

    Miss you cee cee.

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  17. ~Happy Holidays~ Following from MBC! I'd love for you to come visit me!

    Shelley

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  18. Oh my - found you via MBC and I love your writing! So honest and heartfelt - thank you. Mommyhood IS such a contradiction of emotions - I stay home and find that when I do get to get out by myself for a few hours, I am desperate to get home to my babies as if it has been weeks since I last saw them rather than hours. Great to come across your blog!

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  19. Following from MBC. Glad I found you, I had a great read! Hope you can visit my blog too.

    Deanna

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