Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Job description, please?

Here's a thought...How many of us stay at home mums, housewives have ever heard or been given the advice that part of our role is to make ourselves presentable for our husband's return at the end of the work day? It's never an oppressive or forced suggestion but it's presented in perhaps the same way as the age old wisdom of never going to bed on a cross word.
I do like to look good for my husband - I love to get ready for a day together or a night out but I somehow object to this notion that ten minutes before he walks in the door I should rush and slap on some makeup, brush my hair. Now, it's not that I don't do that (for the most part) but I don't want a voice in my head telling me I should or making me feel inadequate in my role if I don't.
You see, there are days when I have worked hard, very hard. I always joke about my lack of housewifery but I'm down there on my knees with the best of them. I will get that fluff from around the toilet, I will clean those skirting boards and I will even move the furniture instead of vacuuming around it! Along with making dinner, playing with Olive, getting her outside for some fresh air in the often chilly weather, getting the groceries in, and so on and so forth! Sometimes, just sometimes i don't want to paint my face and this impression that it was all in a day's work and I'm still perky and gorgeous. I want to say yes, it's all in a day's work but I'm a bit stinky and ragged and I'm looking forward to a shower this evening.
I would never 'expect' my husband to check his hair, straighten his tie and be wearing his suit jacket when he returns for work. He usually looks tired and dishevelled. I take this as a sign that it has been another day of 'work'. Shouldn't our appearance suggest the same? That we too have worked hard? I'm not saying that we need to be in our pj's, people, but if my top has the odd stain on it, what's the problem? Is there a problem?
Aren't we by perpetuating this stereotype somehow undoing years of feminism? Or am i just taking a few wise words too much to heart? Should we also be waiting with a smoking jacket and a martini?
What I'm saying is that we stay at home mums/homemakers/whateveryouwanttocallus work hard and work even harder to somehow prove that we work that hard...still with me? That we don't just watch soap operas and nap all day. So, why at the end of the day should I somehow find an extra ten minutes from nowhere to get ready...for...for what?
When both my husband and I were working outside of the home we often didn't know who would make it home first. We would both come in, take off our coats, kick off our shoes and walk to the bedroom and the first thing we would do would be to pull on "more comfortable clothing." Sometimes, I would work out after work and come in a sweaty beast...
For those stay at home dads, do you gel your hair and brush your teeth before your wife comes through the door?
Where did this advice come from? Is it so that the working husband wants to return to his stay at home wife at the end of the day...and is impressed and comforted that she looks just as good as the women he sees at work? Didn't Paul Newman say "Why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?" In which case, what about the wives that work that return to the home shattered with panda eyes where their mascara has been rubbed after a day hard at work...?
Now, I'm not saying there is anything WRONG with this but I just question that this advice is being still passed down. Is it outdated? Or, is it just words that work from women who know? Is this actually how marriages survive?
I'm just wondering...any thoughts...?

22 comments:

  1. I say it is outdated. I am a stay at home mom and we do work hard. There are days I just so worn out from taking care of a active 11 month old all day and I just too tired to care. Ill have formula stains on my shirt and baby food that was flung on me. And hubby does not get off work until 6 or later. By that time I am ready for my shower, clean pj's on and get the kids to bed to I can relax.

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  2. I think some men stray from their wives because their women have transformed from a sexy Wife/Girlfriend/Partner who they use to date to a MOM...M.O.M. not as sexy to some men. They come home to a disheveled, tired & sometimes cranky wife who is to tired to pay any attention to her man. Also our role as a women changes, we are so use to taking care of our babies that we end up taking care of our husbands...ie. like MOM
    This is why I think that the advise is past down. I am not saying all men stray, but some do.

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  3. Couldn't agree more Paula. Pat's lucky if I remember to brush my teeth by the time he's home. It ain't pretty, I'm not going to sugar coat it. But hell if I don't work hard...I'm a damn good Mom. Sure I have stinky breath and spit up stains everywhere, but I'd like to think he loves me more for it! xo

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  4. Oh sweet Paula. I say throw that make-up and hair product out the window! You are beautiful inside and out without all that...that's why Tom married you! He didn't marry the make-up. It's funny how men tend to think their wives are the sexiest with no make-up and hair in a pony. If they are going to stray it's not because of us not wearing make-up. You have the hardest and most important job in the world and you're amazing at it. Crud, I'm not even a biological Mom yet...just have that stressful M-F job and step-Mom on the weekends...and I hardly find the time to slap make-up on before I go to work. My hubs still looks at me and says "mmm..my wife's hot!". So, my opinion only...save all that for your dates and special times...you're beautiful! Love you! xxxx

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  5. Honestly? Sometimes I do spiff up a little. But I also spiff up after I put my daughter down for both of her naps. I have always come from the "look good, feel good" perspective. I really spiff up for myself. I know Tyler loves me no matter how I look, but I have more energy if I "think" I look better :-)
    I saw you on MBC! Nice Blog!!

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  6. So true! I remember my Home Ec. teacher telling us to put on some lipstick right before our husbands would come through the door. This was also the lady who told us that husbands want angels by day....but devils at night! Ha!

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  7. Can you believe she gave that advise to us in the classroom? Crazy.

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  8. Who gave you this age old advice? I'm sure my husband would think something was up if I was all fresh and pretty when he got home from work in the evening. I was lucky to get a shower this morning...after about 20-something hours without one. I hate going that long though...

    We are mommies! Some to one, some to two, some to three or more. We have the hardest, most important jobs in the world!!! We are beautiful BECAUSE of this, not in spite of this!

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  9. Your post cracked me up. I'm glad I'm not the only hot mess of a wife. If we SAHMs were working at a childcare center with little babies and came up disheveled smelly, no one would think twice. Why can we not have a similar experience staying home with our own child??

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  10. The truth, lol. My mom always says to make sure your presentable. LOL.. good luck on the always. But the truth somedays when I am able to take a shower (which VERY rare) before he arrives home I do put alittle make up on , pull my hair back. Because I am excited to see him.

    Somedays not so much LOL.........

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  11. Very interesting article. I actually do make sure I look decent before my husband comes home. Usually put a bit of makeup on. Sometimes he sneaks home at lunch and sees me in all of my messy glory. He knows I take that extra to look pretty for him in the evenings. Not because he'll cheat on me but because he works so hard and it's something I want to do for him. For myself too, you won't see me laying around in sweats, I went through that & slowly say myself gaining weight etc... but that's for another post lol

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  12. Thanks for all the comments! I'm thinking balance - If I look scraggy and by that I mean in sweats with greasy hair, bad breath...need i go on...I always acknowledge it to my husband. Just saying, yep, it's been one of those crazy days and a gesture to my smelly self. It's not so much him - i have never felt anything but love from that direction - it's more my own feeling of failing him as a 'wife' while I may have been a champion mother for the day. It's guilt again, people. It's been passed down and we need to let it go. If we want to find time to freshen up, we will, we are superwomen but sometimes those 10 minutes - those ten golden minutes that belong to us may just want to be spent sitting quietly, reading, catching up on emails, watching trashy tv, anything, so long as it's our time and yes, somedays there is nothing finer than washing and putting on some deodorant and makeup for ourselves...we can even pretend it's for our husbands ;)

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  13. @ Jenny - i have heard this advice from several women - never forced but always along with sleeping when the baby sleeps, unstacking the dishwasher and cleaning when baby gets to the stage where they can sit up and play contently for 15 minutes and then always make time to look good for your hubby. I'm not knocking it at all - i just don't want to feel that it is part of our job description when no other job I think would ask for the spouse to spruce up before coming home...and my hubby would TOTALLY think something was up if i was glammed every night. I think all our husbands would assume we have had an easy day if we found time to look fabulous every day!

    @Rebekah - that is hilarious - i CAN'T believe that a teacher would say that - it is kind of brilliant though! Remember that other piece of advice ...about never denying your husband sex? I'd love to hear what little ditty she would come up with for that...

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  14. Hello, Mrs. B! I like your blog. And I love this post about spiffing up for the hubby. Honestly, I like to look good, but my husband is lucky if I'm not wearing a sweatsuit for 80% of my life nowadays with two young kids. I'm not worried about him "straying." Give me a break. I know he married me for who I am inside and appreciates all the hard work we both do for our family. Great topic! And great insights. I'm visiting you from MBC. Would love it if you took a look at my bloggie, if you have time. http://www.organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/

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  15. I've actually heard this advice a lot. I know it's meant well but somedays I just don't care enough or am too tired to be presentable. Brian works outside and sometimes he doesn't want to come home to take a shower. Neither is a reason for either to stray. Most days I do make an effort. But the early days or nursing and sleeping and in my case dealing with special needs wore me down. I didn't have the energy to be awake much less be beautiful. It's life. Both men and women should have realistic expectations.

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  16. My hubby would probably think I was divorcing him if I started doing this! LOL I think this is outdated. Saw you on MBC.

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  17. It would be nice if I could find the time to spiff up a little before the hubs came home, but unfortunately, most days I don't even make it into the shower!

    I'm following you from the MBC Under 100 Club. I look forward to reading more!

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  18. I think it's outdated. We could feel the same way when they walk in and are looking tired and don't want to talk b/c they've been busy talking all day in meetings. Of course, I'm a working mom, but I still believe it's outdated. My hubby doesn't get all freshened up when I walk through the door and it doesn't make me love him any less.

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  19. I think it depends. If I am having a good day and am not tired from running around I will jump in the shower and put on some make up about a half hour before the hubby comes home. But some days I am just too tired to care about how my hair looks or if somehow I managed to get a cheeto stuck in my hair : )

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  20. I agree with Lindsay for me it depends.Most of the time I try and look presentable.this does not mean makeup and dressy clothes but if have been baking or cleaning I try to at least get out of flour and grease stained clothes or sweaty ones. And toss on some deodarent lol.
    Then there are days were I feel ambitous and do doll up for him.

    I have always took it as, don't become a slump everyday of the year.i know Mr E didn't marry a woman in jogging pants with unkept hair and refuse to become one. While I have my days and he is well warned ahead of time that its a PJ day (which also usually means he fends for himself on those nights for dinner).

    I love your blog and have given you an award head on over to my page to check it out.
    http://livingjustlikegrandmahousewife.blogspot.com/2009/11/yay-another-award.html

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  21. I've already commented on this hilarious post above, but I just stopped by again to tell you that I've given you an award because I love your blog so much. Looks like you'll be getting one from me and Felicia. Dang, you're THAT good!! I've also added you to the list on my page of Blogs I love. Keep up the great posts. Stop by my blog to see it.

    http://adventuresofa1sttimemommy.blogspot.com/

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  22. Your daughter is gorgeous! I am with you, I do not think that we should have to put on a face that we are all happy and perky. Staying at home a raising a child is a full time job. I have definitely found myself sans makeup and sometimes presentable clothing when my husband comes home from work. On other days however, I like to get dolled up to some extent just for the simple fact that I don't get to do that much anymore. Before our daughter we both had jobs that required a certain work attire and now that I stay home I find myself missing that. I do agree especially with an infant it is increcibly hard to make sure you don't have spit up on your shirt or your daughter hasn't ripped your updo to shreds. I am enjoying your blog very much! I hope that you would visit mine sometime. I just started so please excuse the very few posts.

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