Tuesday, December 28, 2010

You know you're a mother when...

...You go out in 20 degree weather with wind chills making it feel like single digits. You find yourself wading through snow after a massive blizzard just to get emergency supplies from the grocery store. You have only your two frozen hands and know you must have equal distribution to save you from slipping on your way home.
You have been trapped indoors with a toddler for 9 hours. You have seen so much Caillou that you worry your own child might never grow hair.
And then you find yourself in the midst of a dilemma that can only be described as of ginormous proportion.

Wine or diapers.


You find yourself in the checkout clutching pampers. You know you look like a hag. You have no makeup on, hair pulled back, an angry zit that is bubbling under the surface and feels like a bruise on your chin. A woolly hat that won't sit on your head properly so it looks like a wizard's cone and your teeth feel furry no matter how many times you rub your tongue over them. Worse still, you have a visible granny knickers line through your jeans because you are wearing bikini bottoms. Then, just to top off the class act, as you rummage around in your altogether too large purse for your wallet, you put your handmade Estonian red mitten in your mouth and try and make a noise that could convey - "debit, I'm paying by debit".

Even the guy bagging your groceries doesn't find you attractive.

The irony is that you need a drink more than ever. The reality is you are going home to change a diaper and then later find a pebble of poop on the couch that escaped. Worse still, after gorging yourself all week you actually wonder for a second, if it is a leftover Lindt truffle that got away. You pick it up and before putting it close to your nose you realize - no, that's poop that my thumb and forefinger are holding.

You need a drink.

I am a walking contraceptive for under age sex.


  1. Oh. MAH. GAWD...this is hilarous and I think I may love you. Was that creepy? I don't care. You're funny.

  2. Should've gone for the wine

  3. Did you follow me into the store and write what you saw? Seriously, glad to hear some reality. Too many perfectly coiffed, effortlessly carefree 'mamas' in this neighborhood. Hang in there - the zit will go away too. But wine... definitely the critical element to sanity.

  4. Just so you know...the fog does lift. You described me so well in that post....about 3 or 4 yrs ago. Now that my oldest is in Kinder and my middle is 4 and youngest is 5....wow, love it. Did you know that my kinder makes his bed each morning! What's with that!

    But, the only day I was almost nostalgic for those days of strollers and general blur.

  5. You have literally just described my life and everything I have felt for the last two years. I'm so lucky to have stumbled upon your blog, never have I met such a talented writer...


Go on...say something.