I LOVE YOU

I'm scared of death - I'm scared of it happening to those I love. When I was a little girl I used to write letters to God when my mum would have to go away on business trips. 

Dear God, 

Please let my mum live. You can break my arm but please bring her home safe. 

Love Paula

My mum still has these notes. There were a few.

My mum had a heart attack at the weekend. My mum. My fit, gorgeous, funny, smart, sexy mum. Just writing it makes my heart hurt. Now, on the mend and out of hospital - I am just left wondering, how did I get here?

I turn 30 next week. 30 - far from old but a milestone nonetheless. A time to take stock. 

Married - check

Baby - check

Career - semi check

Debt - check

Ten years ago I was a granddaughter and a daughter. Now, I am a daughter and a mother. I'm not sure I qualify as a granddaughter without grandparents that are alive? Do I? Anyway, I can't help but feel like I'm moving up the chain, which means that our parents are too. 

I know that things don't always go in that order and everyday with the ones you love is a gift BUT very often you forget this and we get on with the mundane. Yes, life is short but more than that it just moves faster as you get older. I remember mourning Christmas as a child - I'd have to wait a WHOLE year for another one. Now, it's almost upon us and i still haven't used gift cards that I received last year. 

Anyway, I'm 3000 miles away from my mum and all the skyping in the world won't let me snuggle in the crook of her arm. 

So, let me say this...

Thank you. For stopping my tears when i tried to take a short cut to school and got stuck in the mud in a field. I can still remember you changing my dirty socks and putting fresh warm ones on. You pulled them right up. For teaching me to play netball. For buying me felt tip pens that changed color with a magic pen when I did my first play at Kingsmoor. For picking me up from every dance class, rehearsal, sports practice  - some of my favorite memories are of driving with you in that red ford escort convertible listening to the Bad album. For putting my school uniform on the radiator every night so I would have warm clothes. For flipping the mattress and changing the sheets when i would wet the bed in the middle of the night. You used to get into the fresh, cold sheets afterwards and we'd pull the covers over our heads and puff our breath to make it warm again. For trusting me at 23 to move to New York alone. For encouraging me every step of the way. 

I can't thank you enough, so I'll stop. I just hope that all of you is passed through me to Olive so I can raise a remarkable woman that is just like her Nana. 

Nana, ahhh, I miss my nan. My nan lived with us and she would drive me mad but, oh, how I loved her. Still do. She's been gone 12 years next month and I could still cry at the thought of her. On the day she died (of a heart attack - out of the blue does not come close )- she had asked me for a chocolate bar that I had been given for my birthday. It lay unopened in our kitchen. I said no. Can you believe that? I said no. I 'm not even going to justify it or give you my reasoning because there is no excuse. Less than 10 hours later I was trying to get her wedding rings off before the rigor mortis set in. The next time I saw her I put that Fruit and Nut bar in her coffin.  Far too late, but i like to think she enjoyed it in heaven. 

OK, so, all I'm saying is since losing the award for granddaughter of the year in 1997 I just remember to love on my friends and family that bit more. That's it. I know i say I love you a lot but if i say it to you, I probably mean it. 

Anyway, I'm so tired I know I'm rambling but I refuse to edit myself. I used to write diaries growing up but i stopped when i realized that i was writing them as though they were going to be read. I wasn't being entirely honest in them. So now i have ten years worth of diaries that are full of lies...weird...

I'm going to bed now and after checking in on Olive to make sure she is still breathing, I'm going to hold my husband tight and make sure he knows how loved he is. 

By the way, my old friend turned up yesterday. I told her I loved her all day long!